Derby and String

The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire!

But we don't need no water, we got another job already :)

More on this cryptic message later, got to pack up my desk.  Woot!!

Hi!

Yes, it's me.  I still blog here, and I occasionally tell funny stories about MHP (my son, Mr. Handsome Pants), me falling down (which happens a whole lot more than I tell you guys) and sometimes I even talk about my knitting and spinning (YOU!! In the back, STOP LAUGHING!!).

But sometimes, things happen in life, and people need new jobs (desperately) that help pay their bills a little more thoroughly, and some people fall down the cement stairs outside their apartment twice in one night, and some people try to patch relationships back together (which is SUPER hard work, like another damn full-time job on top of mommy-hood and whatever it is I do at The Cubicle Farm, LLC) and some people's cousins have babies 3 months early, and other people have roller derby all the time, when they're not knitting or dyeing or sewing stuff.

And some people have all of those happen in one month, which prevents them from blogging or telling stories or whatever.

SO!  I have nothing for you today.  Just a really windy and back-handed explanation of why I haven't been blogging.

I have 4 swap packages ready to go out, aren't you proud of me? :)  And I received one swap package!! WOOT!!  Sarah is super fantastic, and was my swap partner for the Ravelry FiberFlix swap for October.  We're both horror movie junkies, but she likes "Rear Window" and "The Birds" and I like the "Saw" series and the new "Texas Chainsaw Massacre". 

I got a bag of Honey Wheat Pretzels (since I don't eat candy, and within the last month or so have been transitioning to vegan...more on that later, I promise) and 2 skeins of Wildefoote sock yarn (YAY!! I was looking at this the other day!) and "House Of Wax", which is one of my favorite horror movies because Paris Hilton dies in it.  I don't know why that tickles me, but it does.

*ahem*

SO!  A few more things to update you on the Bloggable Life of Derby And String:

• I am now almost fully vegan.  The only thing holding me back is that I'm having issues giving up cheese.  But there are now no meat or meat by-products in my kitchen, except for cheese for MHP (for grill cheez) and a pound of meat for when Mr. X-Man comes over Sunday evening for dinner and a movie.
• Because of the vegan thing, I lost 20 pounds.  I went to go buy myself some new jeans, and couldn't fit into the size I have been wearing because they were monstrous and fell off of me.  I was so happy when the sales lady brought me a pair 3 sizes smaller than my normal size, I almost hugged her. 
• I have an issue with starting projects...knitting projects mostly.  I have 6 pairs of socks on the needles, and 2 lone socks waiting for a mate.  However, that did not stop me from casting on a plain 2x2 rib sock to take with me to see "3:10 to Yuma" last week.  Or from casting on some random sock with the Smooshy I bought this week.  I have issues, people.  I need to hide my un-cast-on yarn and my credit card until I finish a couple of things.
• I've lost the Peacock Shawl again.  I swear on my wool that particular project only surfaces when I need a good lesson in patience or that time heals all wounds.
• I still have a sheep in my kitchen.  I haven't had the time to wash anymore.  And on that note...I don't think I'll ever use it all.  Would anyone be interested in dyed locks of state-fair-prize-winning Romney? :)  Maybe that should go in my etsy shop, which brings us to....
• The Etsy shop.  I will have stuff in there soon, but I have a friend working on a logo and I'm trying to build some inventory before I "open" it.  Right now, I've got a few skeins of laceweight, 2 handspun Romney (bulky, about 200+ yards), a few mini-braids of roving and a half-dozen skeins of Merino sockweight.   I want to add some of these cute project bags I've been fiddling with, but I can't get the pattern right.  It's a mish-mash of a bunch of different ideas...hoping this one feature I want to add will work out.  (Could I be more vague? :)

Anyhoo...for not having anything to say, this certainly turned into a really long post.

Have a great weekend!

Live from the CB #2

Sorry kids. Still no reliable internet connection, so you'll have to endure my texting from the CrackBerry one more day.

Mr. Man and I are CONSIDERING getting back together. No absolutes. We both have things we need to deal with, and he's got things he wants from me (like "finish my blasted socks, woman!" and "take care of your car") and I've got things I want from him (like "take care of snoring problem" and "put seat down after peeing") so we're making reasonable lists, not trying to change each other's personality, because that is not what this is about.

And for right now, we are both still seeing other people. Actually...I am STILL seeing other people, and he's pretending he is ;)

Fleece is still in my kitchen....got about 3/4 of a pound washed. Marie was nice enough to lend me her hand carders, so I'll have to get right on that.

And speaking of getting on that, I "killed" someone in Sock Wars by knitting a pair of socks in under 8 hours. Because I am super fantastic.

And apparently, I might "die" soon too :(

Dyed some yarn for my etsy shop, but with no innernets, it's hard to post it.

Anyhoo....that's all the news that's fit to print for today, or at least all that my thumbs can take.

Hope y'all stick around for more :)

Live from the CrackBerry #1

Okay ladies and germs, coming to you, live from the parking lot at the Cubicle Farm, it's Live from the CrackBerry!

I am risking "texter"a thumb" to bring you a short update. (why from the crack? Read on, friends.)

1) my internet at work has been cut off. Literally. I am looking for a new job.

2) Mr. Man is sort of back. But we aren't dating. No flaming please, I will explain later. When I find a computer.

3) I bought a raw fleece. 12 pounds. More on that later too.

4) joined Sock Wars. Expect a post on carpal tunnel and speed knitting and my swift "death" soon.

5) MHP got glasses. I was unaware his adorable level goes to 11. :)

6) dyed a whole load of fibre last weekend. Debating selling it, or putting it on my bed so I can roll in it. Promise I won't do both ;)

That is all, troops. Dismissed for a 2 day shore leave! :p. (I am in a very oddly content and silly mood today...thank god!)

40 First Dates

Alrighty, since y'all find my dating stories so much fun, and since I need something to get me out there and meet new male-type people (not that knitters aren't fun, but I haven't met an eligible man knitter yet), I have made YET ANOTHER new blog.

We'll see how this plays out - the idea stemmed from an IM conversation (the way many great ideas are formed) and a discussion of the myriad emails that I received from a Craig's List ad I posted (and I really need to write another post about the rules of internet dating, and how you REALLY SHOULDN'T put your phone number in your intro email...).

So! I will keep posting here, but the dating stuff I'll probably cross-post.  Who knows. :)

The Derby and String Rules for Internet Hookups

Disclaimer: I have some experience in the world of internet dating.  I have tried a BUNCH of sites out there, and these are rules I have made FOR MYSELF.  I don't expect everyone to understand my reasoning behind why I have these rules (see: Superman), and sometimes I make exceptions to the rules (see: X-man, Mr.).

This is just a set of guidelines I use to establish communication with men online, based on my own personal experience and my own preferences.  Enjoy :)

D&S's Rules of Internet Communications, in Regards to Dating

1. Do not ever post personal information (first OR last name) on your dating profile. This is one rule I absolutely follow to the T.  I don't put my occupation or any identifying characteristics (other than "tall, curvaceous redhead with green eyes" in my profile.  Makes it harder for the stalkers to find you.
2. Remove the first and last name from your display name.  I have an anonymous email address set up specifically for internet dating through Gmail...it's free!...where the name that pops up in an inbox says "Nunya Business".  I don't want anyone knowing my first and last name, unless I decide they can.  I'm easily found, let's put it that way.  I don't tell someone my last name until after I've been on at least 2 dates.
3. First impressions are everything. For your own sake, don't open with "What do you like to do for fun?" Everyone says that.  Ask what their favorite cereal is.  Ask how long it's been since they climbed a tree.  Ask for their craziest memory.  Whatever you do end up asking, remember that you need to stand out, but also follow Rule 4, which is....
4. Be yourself, for f*ck's sake. Sorry, but I had to cuss.  This seems to be the #1 problem I have with people.  I may be a bitch, but I have no qualms about standing someone up if I walk into the appointed meeting place and I realize they used their high school graduation picture from 25 years ago as their profile picture.  Lying is not OK under any circumstances.  I put it right out there in the first few emails that I have MHP and he is my #1 priority, which makes it hard to date sometimes, and that I am no Victoria's Secret model, I don't wear a size 6, and I am not always well-lit and airbrushed.  Truth in advertising people.  Which segues nicely into....
5. Don't put yourself down. Before I became the ego-tastic human I am today, (*snerk*) I used to put myself down.  A LOT.  I was too fat for someone to date, or too old or too...whatever. If you tell someone that has never seen you that your nose is too big for your face, guess what?  You have just informed their subconcious to stare at your nose for the entire "first date".  IF (and that's a BIG if) they decide they want to meet you IRL, your nose is going to be all they see. 
6. Ask questions. Don't just talk about yourself.  Even the nicest person is going to get irritated if you just answer all of their questions and never ask any of them.
7. Don't feel bad if you don't "click". If you like the person as a person, but don't see yourself dating them, you can do one of two things.  You can stop emailing them, or you can tell them.  It's totally up to your personal preference.  Don't feel obligated to go out with them just because you've been talking for a while...some things just don't work out.

I've run out of time kids, I'll try and write more later.  I'll also give you some tips and tricks for meeting in real life either this afternoon, or Monday. :)

Happy Friday everyone!

I apologize #4

Stay tuned later today, Derby and String fans, for The Rules Of Internet Dating.  Plus an added bonus of emails from Craig's List!

For now, I must fulfill my duties as an upstanding member of the Slytherin house in the Hogwarts Sock Kit Swap, and post this.  (I apologize.)

Trivia

1. In Deathly Hallows what does Harry step on when exiting his room to wash his cut?
a. A small figurine
b. A saucer
c. A teacup
d. A coffee cup

2. Which two members of the Order of Phoenix came to escort the Dursleys to a safe place?
a. Arthur Weasley and Kingsley Shacklebolt
b. Dedalus Diggle and Hestia Jones
c. Dedalus Diggle and Kingsley Shacklebolt
d. Arthur Weasley ad Hestia Jones

3. In order to throw off the Death Eaters, several of Harry's friends take Polyjuice Potion to resemble him and each Harry goes with a different member of the Order of the Phoenix to a different location. Where do Ron (disguised as Harry) and Tonks go?
a. Aunti Muriel's house
b. Tonks' parent's house
c. Kingsley's house
d. Mad-Eye Moody's house

4. At Bill and Fleur's wedding, Harry must disguise himself by taking Polyjuice Potion and takes on the appearnce of a redheaded Muggle boy from Ottery St. Catchpol. He was introduced to wedding guests as Cousin . . .
a. Jimmy
b. Davy
c. Barny
d. Willy

5. Kingsley sends a message via Patronus to warn the Weasleys and wedding guests of the coming Death Eaters. What form does his Patronus take?
a. A German shepherd
b. A lynx
c. A bobcat
d. A coyote

6. In the Half-Blood Prince what drink does Romilda Vane try to give Harry?
a. Pumpkin Juice
b. Elf-Made Wine
c. Butterbeer
d. Gillywater

7. What is the name of the person that heads the Holyhead Harpies?
a. Gwenog Jones
b. Glen Jones
c. Gwenog Smith
d. Glen Smith

8. What tatoo is Harry reported to have on his chest?
a. Blast Ended Skrewt
b. Hippogriff
c. Unicorn
d. Mermaid

9. What color robes do the staff at Weasley's shop wear?
a. Buttercup
b. Magenta
c. Royal Blue
d. Aqua

10. Where do Nicolas Flamel and his wife Perenelle live?
a. Kent
b. Surrey
c. Manchester
d. Devon

Picture Scavenger Hunt

(I have linked to each picture)

A Gryffindor Quidditch Uniform

A Hufflepuff Quidditch Uniform

A Ravenclaw Quidditch Uniform

A Slytherin Quidditch Uniform

A Picture of the Room of Requirement

Adventures in Dating...Season 2, Episode II (Home Edition)

In lieu of the "Libby Internet Dating Rules" like I promised yesterday, I will be bringing you the "post mortem" on my date last night.  Trust me, this is totally worth it, and you won't even miss the Rules, because I'll have them for you tomorrow.

So.  I went out with my good friend Mike last night.  He wanted to go to some pizza place, and I had a better idea....trivia night at an Irish pub.  PERFECT first "date" and it's right by my house, so I can stumble home if necessary.  Because I'm dainty and genteel like that.

I show up, wearing no makeup, still in my work clothes and generally looking like a hag because I had been up since 5 am, and running crazy since then.  Mike and I were too late to get into the trivia game (but we're getting a group of friends together and going next time!), but we sat there and made friends with the bartender, and chatted about the answers to the trivia questions, and generally had a nice time. 

And I had lots of Jameson & Ginger ales, because I had never tried them before, and they're fabulous.

Then, as I'm facing Mike and laughing at some stupid joke we were making about the spelling portion of trivia, I notice someone familiar over his shoulder.  Now, I had already run into the girl who stole TX from me (I neglected to tell the innernets that, but I found out a few months after we broke up that she had gotten him drunk and seduced him while we were still dating), my first boyfriend, my second boyfriend, 2 of my Homecoming dates from high school, and a portion of my graduating class.

So I'm expecting to see someone else I know, like it's "Old Home Week".

But it's not.  It's apparently "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" week.  Because guess who walked in.

And being the suave and genteel young lady, like I mentioned before, I say "OH MY GOD" really really loud, and turn bright red.  Because I love me some Ty.

So I try to cover it up by laughing really loud and patting Mike on the arm, because at this point, I suddenly realize my hair is looking like I rubbed a balloon on it really hard and then put gel in it, I have NO MAKEUP ON (and look very much like a zombie) and I am wearing my "fat pants" even though they're 2 sizes too big.  And I feel really bad for Mike, because I look like I didn't even try to look nice, and what I thought was a nice pat on his arm to cover my "party foul" ended up being some sort of punching slap that caused a bruise.

God.  Please, don't make me leave my house EVER AGAIN.

So Mike and I continue about our business, playing trivia with the bartenders and generally just having a raucous ol' time, and Ty settles down next to the Girl Who Slept With My Ex While I Was Still Dating Him (or GWSWMEWIWSDH).  Mike was facing them and surreptitiously (one of the trivia questions was how to spell that!) watching them and every once in a while he giggled. 

Knowing the back story on GWSWMEWIWSDH, he poked me at one point, while I was regaling him and the HIGHLY amused bartender with a story about MHP, and said "Don't look now, but your not-friend has been flirting with that guy from that TV show.  And he apparently is not amused, because he is getting up and coming over here."

So me, being aloof and lovely and just generally a wonderful person, decide to try and act natural by flipping my hair over my shoulder and  talking to Mike like I am not completely star struck.

*side note: I have met plenty of celebrities before.  Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Philippe when they were married, Gene Simmons, Pamela Anderson (to Lee, or not to Lee?), Kid Rock, Paris Hilton, Britney (before she went all downhill) and Xzibit, to name a few.  I usually act like a perfectly decent human being.  I do not drool on myself, scream at them, or anything along those lines.  I normally don't even ask for an autograph (thanks Kevin Costner for ruining that for me), but occasionally I ask for a photograph.  So.  I am not usually star struck.

So while I am tossing my hair over my shoulder in a manner befitting any decent soap opera star, I manage to fling my thick, luxurious tresses directly into the face of said guy from that TV show.  By this time, I am 3 sheets to the proverbial wind (thank you Jameson for being my friend!), and completely mortified by my own behaviour.

Ty, despite the mouthful of hair I had just given him, asked if he could sit down with us.  I believe my exact words were ".............."

Mike was gracious enough to answer for me, while I stared (and I still cannot believe I'm telling you this, but it's a funny story, so enjoy my embarassment).  He sat next to us for a little while, laughing at my really stupid jokes and bought me a drink....

...then came the pinnacle of my night.

While laughing at something that was actually funny  (I do believe it was a joke about  CrackBerry, since neither Ty nor I could put our respective BlackBerry devices down, nor stop texting people), I fell off my barstool.

I

Fell

Off

My

Barstool.

In front of Ty.  From Extreme Home Makeover.

With my drink in my hand.

I think that may have been his cue to get up and leave...but he helped me up first.

I stood up and announced to the whole bar: "I AM OKAY!!! AND I DIDN'T SPILL MY DRINK!"

Ty split soon after that, and he was very nice and very funny, and yes, he is very cute in person.

And the date that wasn't a date was fun.

The end.

I'm no Superman. (And neither was he)

For Jessie, and because I owe y'all a post with some sort of substance....

Once upon a time, after our lovely heroine Libby had borne MHP forth into the world, she grew tired of clubs and decided to make a foray into the lovely world of internet dating.

DISCLAIMER: This was almost 8 years ago.  Some of the details are REALLY fuzzy.  I'll spare you my fabrications and just straight out tell you when I don't remember something.

In the magical land of Match Dot Com (when it basically first started), she journeyed far and wide to find a man worthy of her time and efforts. (*snerk* PS? Match.com is NOT THE PLACE to find a man worth your time and effort.  At least not for her.)  She searched high and low for a prince, and finally decided to lower a few unimportant standards (like age and build...this was when she was slender like a sapling and very young and stupid) and go out with some frogs.

Apparently, unbeknownst to her at the time (she was not a worldy girl, nor was she real bright when it came to "street smarts"), people actually will straight out LIE TO YOU online, and then deny deny deny when they meet you IRL (in real life).

So they emailed back and forth for a couple of weeks, and finally agreed to meet.  The "prince" in question was 32, and Libby was 21, but that didn't seem to matter, they were completely into each other, ONLINE.

Libby was smarter than the average dolt, and brought her best friend Melissa along for the ride.  (or maybe it was Kathy.  I honestly can't remember.  We'll say it was Mel.)  Feeling a little outnumbered, the "prince" brought a friend along too. (That is wholly unimportant to the story.  I think the dude ditched us about 5 minutes in.  Melissa was smart and stayed the whole time.)

OK, to cut to the chase, dude was 5'5" (told me he was well over 6 feet tall), had no neck (wow) and was built like a brick sh*thouse.  He was a bodybuilder, and apparently in the army, or the navy...I think it was the Navy.  (At least that's what he told me.) He said he had never married, with no kids, and he was very gentlemanly, in my 21-year-old-and-semi-naive mind.

Then he started talking.  Leaned over at some point in the extremely inane conversation about how great he was and whispered in my ear..."Instead of Todd (*name changed because I cannot remember it) You can call me Superman..." because everyone told him he looked like Superman. 

(I lost Melissa at that point, she started laughing so hard she inhaled sharply, and took in a giant chunk of whatever she was eating and pretty much just coughed and rolled her eyes at me the rest of the time.)

Things actually went FURTHER downhill after that.  For example:

....when he tried to put the moves on me, he LICKED MY FACE.

...he actually used the line, "You could be my Lois Lane.  Only with red hair and a great a$$."

...he brought a Superman action figure for MHP (which was kind of cute, but MHP was like 6 months old at the time...I still have the toy!) and was disappointed I did not bring MHP along on the date. 

...he wanted to take us "somewhere nice" so we ended up at Denny's.  (it's a chain restaurant not unlike Sheri's or any other greasy spoon you can find out there)

...he didn't like me going to the bathroom by myself, so he stood right in front of the door and wouldn't let anyone in, and made me check to make sure nobody was in there.  (I know, I know, alarm bells going off everywhere...that was my cue to try and find a window to sneak out of, but Melissa was still there)

...after all of that, he still tried to get me to "do it" with him in the back of his hatchback CRX in the parking lot of the Denny's.

We DEFINITELY did not live "happily ever after"....the next morning, when I turned on my cell phone (after turning it off because he WOULDN'T STOP CALLING ME), I had 22 unheard voicemails, 12 from him, and 10 from some woman claiming to be his wife. 

His messages started with "I love you, marry me when you wake up tomorrow" and spiraled downwards with the last one saying "I know where you live and I will find you and MAKE YOU MARRY ME!!"  (he totally did not know where I live, I wasn't THAT stupid.)

Her messages started with "Bitch, I'ma cut yo ass! I AM HIS LOIS LANE!!" and skidded broadside into extraordinarily scary territory, culminating with graphic and profane descriptions of how my family would perish and  with me calling the cops and playing all the messages for them.  (And yes, I had a restraining order and slept with a weapon at hand every night for a VERY VERY long time.)

Looking back, this is probably the worst date I've ever been on, but was also my first foray into internet dating.  I do have rules every man must follow before I will even THINK of meeting them in real life, and rules for meeting face to face.

If you care to hear them, I'll post them tomorrow.  Right now, I'm off to finish up work, get my tires rotated (NO THAT IS NOT A EUPHANISM.) and go on this date I don't want to go on.

Happy Hump Day! :)

Adventures in Dating...Season 2, Episode I

So...I don't know about the other single ladies out there, but I'm ready to settle down.  And when I mean settle down, I mean give up on dating entirely (and internet dating, specifically), and settle down on my couch with a beer and an entire season of Sex and the City and my knitting friends and some soft sock yarn and not talk about men ever again.

Unless we're talking about Brad Pitt or Jason Statham.  Then it's okay.

So, in case you have not picked up on my subtlety, last night's foray into dating did not go well.  About 2 months ago (and a mere 3 weeks after my surprise breakup), I went on a date (About which we will not go into detail, as mentioned in the link) and it was awful.

I was bored halfway through, and tried to be congenial, but the dude looked like my dad, and that oobed me out and so I sort of checked out halfway through the biggest Mai Tai I've ever seen.  And I thought that was that.

Not so! He texted me last week and wanted to take me out to dinner.  I thought maybe he was mentally unbalanced, but in my spirit of breaking out of my shell and trying new things (and no, new yarns don't really count...but I did buy some Nature's Palette last week!), I decided to give him another chance.

He was nice enough to agree to meet me at a restaurant closer to my house, and I was under the impression that we chose 6:00pm as the time to meet.  I got there about a half hour early, because I like to do that.  And parking is bad near this restaurant.  (Random side note: TX, the ex before Mr. X-Man, called while I was waiting, and asked me out for a drink.  Weird.)

So 6:00 came and went.  Then 6:15, then 6:30.  The hostess at the restaurant started to feel sorry for me and brought me a drink (on the house!).  At 6:45, I was fooling around with my CrackBerry and noticed the text I sent this dude the night before...and we had said to meet at 7.  Great.

So at 6:50, he strolls in (STILL LOOKING LIKE MY FATHER) and tries to kiss me on the cheek.  I was trying  to shake his hand, so you can imagine the dance we did, while I heard the hostess behind me snorting as she tried not to laugh...

So we sit down at the table, and we ordered drinks, and he orders a beef skewer appetizer thing.  Knowing full well that I'm a vegetarian, since we had a big long conversation about it on our first date.

Then his phone starts ringing.  And doesn't stop for about 20 minutes...but to his credit, he never actually answers it. 

Then my phone starts ringing.  And doesn't stop until I answer it, because one of my IRL friends is having some sort of boyfriend crisis and is sitting in the parking lot at my apartment, making that snurfling noise people make when their nose is running and they're crying really hard, and waiting for me so she can sob on my shoulder.

Dinner was pretty much a disaster, his chicken wasn't cooked and my portobello mushroom "burger" was cold, and I couldn't find anything in common with this guy, but that was OK because we talked about his camping trip and his muddy tent.  (And no, that isn't a euphanism.)

Then the check came.

He asked me out. I was prepared to pay if I needed to, but he says to the waiter "Could you please split the check down the middle?  I'll pay for half." 

Which is nice.  Except my mushroom thing cost WAY less than his chicken, I didn't eat any of the beef appetizer, and I drank water, while he had 2 Tanqueray and Tonics.  And he had a dessert.

So I gamely paid half (because I had NO IDEA how to approach this topic and I just wanted it to end...) and walked with him to the front door. Where we did the funny handshake/hug/cheek-kiss dance again.

So I pretty much wrote it off as a bad date, no skin off anyone's nose, and went home to comfort my friend, who was still making that snurfling noise.

Dude texted me an hour later saying what a great time he had, and what a scintillating dinner partner I am, and how much he wants to go out with me again.

I have no idea what to say to that.

So it wasn't horrifying, like that time that I went out with that politico guy and he ordered (and drank) 6 shots of expensive tequila in a row, excused himself to go to the bathroom and left me with the check...or the time I went out with the guy who told me I could call him Superman rather than whatever his actual name was, and then his wife called me the next day and threatened my life...or the time I got stood up, and so I called a friend and she sent TX to come get me because she was a little too drunk to drive, and I ended up dating him for 3 1/2 years because I was bored with the "singles scene".

But I don't think I'll go out with him again.

SO!  I am going on another date tomorrow night, with a guy I've known for a while, so this shouldn't be too horrid.  At least I know what to expect ;)