I'm no Superman. (And neither was he)

For Jessie, and because I owe y'all a post with some sort of substance....

Once upon a time, after our lovely heroine Libby had borne MHP forth into the world, she grew tired of clubs and decided to make a foray into the lovely world of internet dating.

DISCLAIMER: This was almost 8 years ago.  Some of the details are REALLY fuzzy.  I'll spare you my fabrications and just straight out tell you when I don't remember something.

In the magical land of Match Dot Com (when it basically first started), she journeyed far and wide to find a man worthy of her time and efforts. (*snerk* PS? Match.com is NOT THE PLACE to find a man worth your time and effort.  At least not for her.)  She searched high and low for a prince, and finally decided to lower a few unimportant standards (like age and build...this was when she was slender like a sapling and very young and stupid) and go out with some frogs.

Apparently, unbeknownst to her at the time (she was not a worldy girl, nor was she real bright when it came to "street smarts"), people actually will straight out LIE TO YOU online, and then deny deny deny when they meet you IRL (in real life).

So they emailed back and forth for a couple of weeks, and finally agreed to meet.  The "prince" in question was 32, and Libby was 21, but that didn't seem to matter, they were completely into each other, ONLINE.

Libby was smarter than the average dolt, and brought her best friend Melissa along for the ride.  (or maybe it was Kathy.  I honestly can't remember.  We'll say it was Mel.)  Feeling a little outnumbered, the "prince" brought a friend along too. (That is wholly unimportant to the story.  I think the dude ditched us about 5 minutes in.  Melissa was smart and stayed the whole time.)

OK, to cut to the chase, dude was 5'5" (told me he was well over 6 feet tall), had no neck (wow) and was built like a brick sh*thouse.  He was a bodybuilder, and apparently in the army, or the navy...I think it was the Navy.  (At least that's what he told me.) He said he had never married, with no kids, and he was very gentlemanly, in my 21-year-old-and-semi-naive mind.

Then he started talking.  Leaned over at some point in the extremely inane conversation about how great he was and whispered in my ear..."Instead of Todd (*name changed because I cannot remember it) You can call me Superman..." because everyone told him he looked like Superman. 

(I lost Melissa at that point, she started laughing so hard she inhaled sharply, and took in a giant chunk of whatever she was eating and pretty much just coughed and rolled her eyes at me the rest of the time.)

Things actually went FURTHER downhill after that.  For example:

....when he tried to put the moves on me, he LICKED MY FACE.

...he actually used the line, "You could be my Lois Lane.  Only with red hair and a great a$$."

...he brought a Superman action figure for MHP (which was kind of cute, but MHP was like 6 months old at the time...I still have the toy!) and was disappointed I did not bring MHP along on the date. 

...he wanted to take us "somewhere nice" so we ended up at Denny's.  (it's a chain restaurant not unlike Sheri's or any other greasy spoon you can find out there)

...he didn't like me going to the bathroom by myself, so he stood right in front of the door and wouldn't let anyone in, and made me check to make sure nobody was in there.  (I know, I know, alarm bells going off everywhere...that was my cue to try and find a window to sneak out of, but Melissa was still there)

...after all of that, he still tried to get me to "do it" with him in the back of his hatchback CRX in the parking lot of the Denny's.

We DEFINITELY did not live "happily ever after"....the next morning, when I turned on my cell phone (after turning it off because he WOULDN'T STOP CALLING ME), I had 22 unheard voicemails, 12 from him, and 10 from some woman claiming to be his wife. 

His messages started with "I love you, marry me when you wake up tomorrow" and spiraled downwards with the last one saying "I know where you live and I will find you and MAKE YOU MARRY ME!!"  (he totally did not know where I live, I wasn't THAT stupid.)

Her messages started with "Bitch, I'ma cut yo ass! I AM HIS LOIS LANE!!" and skidded broadside into extraordinarily scary territory, culminating with graphic and profane descriptions of how my family would perish and  with me calling the cops and playing all the messages for them.  (And yes, I had a restraining order and slept with a weapon at hand every night for a VERY VERY long time.)

Looking back, this is probably the worst date I've ever been on, but was also my first foray into internet dating.  I do have rules every man must follow before I will even THINK of meeting them in real life, and rules for meeting face to face.

If you care to hear them, I'll post them tomorrow.  Right now, I'm off to finish up work, get my tires rotated (NO THAT IS NOT A EUPHANISM.) and go on this date I don't want to go on.

Happy Hump Day! :)

Comments

[Carrie]

yikes. I had a few internet related dates prior to meeting the DH, and they were lame, but involved no threats or freakish superhero wannabes. (Incidentally, I met the DH on the internet, but it was on a game site and not on a dating site.)

[Jeanne B.]

OMG! I cannot top that. That IS the worst date of all time! I'm dying to hear the rules. Hopefully tonight goes far better.

[jessie]

Thank you.

You have made my day.

[Steph B.]

I suddenly feel much better about the deadly dull date I had with a guy who when he dropped me off tried to pick up my mother! ICK!

[mehitabel]

Okay, that just does it for me. I have already concluded that all the men in my age group are old farts--and old farts who want young chicks--but ewww, I think I'll stick to my knitting and my women friends. I may change my mind--but ewww.

[Debi]

Give new meaning to the desire for spinsterhood, hmm?

My worst date: met thru a newspaper personal ad (long before the internet) Spoke on the phone, first red flag was he's was getting very possessive and "lovey" way too fast. He told me he was "stocky" , 5'10 and had brown hair and "amazing blue eyes".

He shows up at my door, all 5'4 of him, in a sailor top (big collar, tie in front!) a belt with big anchors all over it and saddle shoes! This was a man about 35 I think...plus he was 5'4 WIDE and yes the few strands of hair he had left were indeed brown..who even looked at his eyes?

He sat on my couch and insisted on asking me what I thought of him. I tried to laugh it off, make small talk, asked him if we could leave for dinner but he kept pressing me...the he finally says, "you don't like me" and BURSTS INTO TEARS!!!

After about an hour his sobbing I finally got him to leave, called the convent the next morning to check on admission requirements :)

[Helen]

I'd totally like to learn your rules for the guys you deign to meet.
I almost WISH I'd gone the internet dating route, just to have the stories!

[Jennie]

(shudder)